Most of us have received correspondence beginning with the trite, “We regret to inform you that [fill in the blank].”
It’s a one-size-fits-all, thoughtless open to bad news like, “we lost your reservation,” “you have not been selected,” “you are not a winner.”
The offending party is trying to wiggle off the hook of blame, using a word that connotes deep sadness and sincerity — when there is none.
Regret has lost much of its impact because it has become central to a throwaway line some communicators use in their insipid messaging to address almost everything. The word has become nonsensical and meaningless, part of the white noise we try to ignore.
That’s too bad because regret is an immensely powerful word. For whatever reason, you may never try eating mushrooms, driving cross-country or bungee jumping. I will never regret not doing any of that. You might, but are you regretful or disappointed?
Regret, with its deep meaning and severe consequences is a strong word. It carries too much power to express dismay over not eating a fungus or leaping into the air tethered to a bridge by an elastic band. It is offensive when a corporate entity uses the word to wiggle out of responsibility or cover incompetence.
Regret should be reserved to express something stronger and more authentic. Most people experience disappointment, and that’s not bad. It can teach humility or make expectations more realistic.
Many things disappointment me, but I try not to regret anything, especially if it is something I can’t change.
Some might say they regret not being a better mother, father, brother, sister, parent, pet owner or friend. If there’s time to mend your ways, and you do, then regret can morph into, “I’m glad I became a better spouse, sibling, parent or dog owner,” and with it may come a cathartic sense of relief.
I may be disappointed I skipped a movie, that it rained on a beach day or my team lost in the playoffs (not really), but I don’t regret any of it.
I reserve the word to describe failure to achieve something central to life or relationships.
Regardless of challenges and frustrations — obstacles and resistance — I try to pour everything I have into relationships, fulfilling not only obligations and requirements, but engaging in committed ways that are pleasant, fulfilling, measured and appropriate.
I don’t want to reach an irredeemable end thinking I wronged someone, was unfair or could have cared more. When a relationship ends, I want to know I was a good partner.
When our cherished dog died recently, I was desperately sad, and I still am. But grieving was made a bit easier because we left nothing on the table. We did everything we could to give our dog a comfortable and happy life. No regrets, just tears of sorrow.
When my father passed, I knew I had been a good son.
As my children grow, I’m confident I am trying to be the best possible father.
As I celebrate one wedding anniversary after another, I strive to be a loving, dedicated husband.
Rarely is one person ever 100% wrong. Blame or responsibility is usually shared.
When I fail, I ask for forgiveness and try improving my behavior. I don’t blather on about who was at fault, or who failed the relationship. I try to move on constructively. I don’t burry what happened but address it in ways that are mutually beneficial.
Studies suggest up to 90% of people feel regret at some point in their lives, and that sense is highest at the beginning of the year.
Because there is no way to change the past, I feel a sense of urgency to act while there is still time to have an impact, fulfill a dream, to change behavior and approach redemption.
Regret is baked-in and irrevocable when communication is no longer possible at the end of a relationship, or when an opportunity has passed forever.
There may be tactics and techniques that mitigate the powerful influence of regret, but that no longer involves dialogue or engagement — it is based on reflection and self-forgiveness, and that may not be enough to assuage remorse over unspoken thoughts and gestures not made.
Regret can be a relentless stain on a spirit that may fade over time, but counting on that can be tricky. Even if time does heal, the intervening months and years it takes to feel relief can be painful.
The best approach is to operate in ways that are not regrettable or take corrective action while it is still possible, if you truly believe that is the necessary and appropriate path.
The future is fraught with challenges, pressure and stress. There is no end to attacks on our sanity and incursions into our happiness. It takes boundless energy to move forward, and that can be difficult if you are bogged down by regret.
Staasi Heropoulos has been a broadcast and print journalist as well as a corporate communications practitioner, in Western Mass. and internationally for more than 40 years. He loves writing feature articles on local people and places but also welcomes story ideas about corporate and government malfeasance. Staasi can be reached at Staasi.Heropoulos@gmail.com.